9Marks

The gift from Jesus of a Godly husband is one that is among the highest in all of Christendom. I was reading the 9Marks Mailbag, where people send in questions to that ministry and receive answers online. The questions are related to church polity, the main issue the ministry deals with.

In this question, a Christian man who teaches and leads many ministries in his church feels the call to be a pastor. Others have confirmed he has the gift. However the man’s wife is resistant. The man wrote to 9Marks on how to deal with a call to pastoring in your life but a reluctant wife in your home.

9Marks’ answer is passionately loving and scriptural. I hope it encourages you, if you are a wife. Jesus sent your husband to you as a shepherd and a guide and a leader. This is the example to which husbands aspire, for you good and on your behalf. Encourage your husband today.

In turn, if your husband feels the call to change your lives to fulfill a ministry to which you feel reluctant, whether it entails a move, or more selfless service, or being a missionary, etc, please examine whether your reluctance is originating from a selfish seed in the heart, or a true opposition to something where you don’t feel the pull. You’re a help-meet, which means either helping your husband adjust to his new ministry, or helping your husband be a husband by doing what the 9Marks essay advises…

Life isn’t easy. Married life is doubly hard. However with the advice in the Bible, prayer, and the Holy Spirit’s guidance, your marriage can be a shining light of vice-versa service and humility, in Jesus’ name.

wedding verse

Dear 9Marks,

I have a desire to serve as a pastor. I have been afforded opportunities to teach in my church, to preach at other churches in the area, and even participate in a internship for aspiring pastors at my church. I meet the biblical qualifications including an inward desire and an outward confirmation from some of our elders and mature men in my church.

But here’s the problem: my wife doesn’t support me in becoming an elder. She is fearful for herself of being thrust into the spotlight, so to speak, and having any attention put on her. This has become a point of contention between us and I know I must sacrifice for her and love and pray for her. I’ve tried to reassure of some of her fears, but she doesn’t believe this will be the case. Admittedly I am frustrated and angry over what I perceive to be a calling from God and her unwillingness to support me. What advice can you give me to help love her and deal with her in a godly way?

—Troy

Dear Troy,

God is not calling you to be a pastor. If you don’t have your wife’s support, you are not called.

Or rather, he’s calling you to pastor your wife and only your wife. So, live with her in an understanding way. Cherish her as a weaker vessel and fellow heir. Wash her with the water of the word. Love her like you love your own body. Do not despise her. Do not nurse self-pity. Do not tell yourself that you are mature, and that she is immature, and that she is hindering you. God has purposes to work out in your life, too. Good ones! Do not tell yourself that she stands in between you and God’s big plans for you. She is God’s big plan for you. And what a remarkable plan she is, more than you deserve and better than anything you could have planned for yourself. God is good. God loves you. And he means to love you right now through the lessons and joys of pastoring her, and being loved by her. What a privilege you have!

Meanwhile, brother, share the gospel. Encourage younger people in the faith. Disciple. Pray for the church regularly. Take any teaching opportunities that she’s happy for you to take. You can pastor without being a pastor. The lack of a title is no threat to your identity. Your identity is secure in Christ. Your lack of a paycheck for being a pastor is no threat to the church. The church’s victory is certain.

One day, brother, Jesus will visibly walk into her life. You want her to recognize him because she’s spent years watching you. Your job is to get her ready for him. And he’s the one who put on the form of a servant and humbled himself to death on a cross in order to love you and her both. Will you love her like that?

Mail call is a big deal (at least it was on M*A*S*H)

We love Jesus and we’re so encouraged when a new Christian or a friend who is older but growing obviously develop fruit of the Spirit. However we also grieve when friends or new Christians go the other direction and begin to stray. One way they stray is by following false teachers. I can’t describe the heartache when I see friends post quotes from false teachers, or when they gush about a Bible ‘study’ that was written by someone who is not to be consumed. It hurts. We are all one body and we want the best for our brethren. False teachers are not the best. They are the worst.

What can we do when we see a friend beginning to be drawn away? They buy the false teacher’s books, they talk about what they ‘learned’ from the false teacher, they start attending a small group of this false teacher’s studies… what can we do?

First, remember we are to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. (Matthew 19:16). In this case, it means we are wise to the schemes of satan. One of his schemes is to send false teachers. We are aware of the danger they pose and we do not minimize it nor ignore it.

But in dealing with our friend we are to be harmless, innocent, kind, and gentle. Harmlessness does not mean gullibility, but it does mean tact.

When Jesus told the Twelve to be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves, He laid down a general principle about the technique of kingdom work. As we take the gospel to a hostile world, we must be wise (avoiding the snares set for us), and we must be innocent (serving the Lord blamelessly). Jesus was not suggesting that we stoop to deception but that we should model some of the serpent’s famous shrewdness in a positive way. Wisdom does not equal dishonesty, and innocence does not equal gullibility.

Nineteenth-century pastor Charles Simeon provides a wonderful comment on the serpent and dove imagery: “Now the wisdom of the one and the harmlessness of the other are very desirable to be combined in the Christian character; because it is by such an union only that the Christian will be enabled to cope successfully with his more powerful enemies” (Horae Homileticae: Matthew, Vol. 11, London: Holdsworth and Ball, p. 318).

In Matthew 10:16, Jesus taught us how to optimize our gospel-spreading opportunities. Successful Christian living requires that we strike the optimal balance between the dove and the serpent. We should strive to be gentle without being pushovers, and we must be sacrificial without being taken advantage of. (Source GotQuestions)

With that basis, I’d like to offer a few ideas. These are by no means exhaustive. Please comment below with your own success stories of how to engage a friend who is following a false teacher.

I like to ask questions. I ask them in a friendly way what they are getting out of it, or why they enjoy the teacher, or what the study is showing them. If the particular teacher has demonstrated unrepentant disobedience, I might ask them about it and ask if that changes their view of what and how the teacher is teaching them. For example, Christine Caine functions as a self-stated ordained pastor and teaches women that it is OK to step into leadership roles reserved for men. You could ask your friend what she thinks of this. Your friend’s answer could illuminate the direction in which your discussion could go.

If she is unaware that there are some roles reserved for men and others for women, you could explain this to her from the Bible. If she disagrees, then you know from whence her attraction to Caine or the certain teacher is coming from. If she was simply unaware and now agrees, then she’ll likely go away from false teachers who teach opposite to what the Bible says regarding roles, and you have won your sister.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. (Galatians 6:1).

If the friend is open to these initial probes, I ask if I might share how the false teacher strays from the Word. It is one thing to warn, but it’s more helpful to show how to think about the Word of God and how to compare what a teacher is teaching to the Bible than it is just to say “She’s false.”

For example, Beth Moore relies on personal visions and revelations, and you could show your friend about the canon, why it’s closed, and the true meaning of Paul really meant when he admonished not to despise prophesying. (1 Thessalonians 5:20-21).

It is also good to offer alternatives. Nature abhors a vacuum. The person presumably wants to study the word, and if they desire to study it in Spirit and in truth (John 4:24) then they will want the better option. God knows how to give good gifts.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:11)

So then I ask if they are open to receiving some solid material written by good Bible teachers. I accumulate books and CDs and booklets and pamphlets and links, and cache them in my bookcase set aside for the purpose of givine them away when the appropriate moment comes. When the time comes, I just give them the book/essay/CD etc. If I just suggest to them to go buy or acquire a certain resource, they will likely not do it. Sometimes they do. But not usually. I put the material in their hand (or electronic message box) and I have it on hand so I can do it quickly.

We are a discipling body. Christianity is not solitary. Lambs always have a mama sheep nearby. Be involved with the weaker ones, the new ones, the strong ones. Everyone. You could invite the friend to study with you (and your wife if you are a male leader or elder speaking to a woman) or invite him or her come to a group you’re involved with. Personal discipleship and establishing a trusting relationship works wonders.

Pray. Of course this is the best solution, the Spirit knows.

praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, (Ephesians 6:18).

Asking the Lord to deliver a sister from the clutches of a false teacher is a wonderful supplication.

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Some resources that might help–

Here is the Gospel Coalition’s essay 7 marks of a false teacher

Here is John MacArthur’s sermon How to treat a false teacher part 1

Here is 9Marks with How I Select and Schedule Discipling Relationships

Another Christian sister who answered the same question way better than I did! Help! My friend follows false teachers

Tag: 9Marks

Husband feels the call to pastor, wife is reluctant

Mail Call #5: My friend is following a false teacher