By Elizabeth Prata
The following is satire. It is fiction. But it is also a heartfelt statement through spoofing that holds a germ of truth behind it. Once a denomination travels too far down a certain road, there is no turning back. This makes me very, very sad. Is there currently a church in Thyatira? No.
I do not think this satirical piece is so far off the mark of current circumstances. I feel very deeply for the people who follow these female false teachers, who are blind to the lusts that connect them with the lustful preaching of such teachers. (And I’m not holier-than-thou, I followed Joel Osteen for a year before the Lord graciously opened my eyes).
I feel terrible knowing what the future hold in store for these false teachers if they refuse the grace of repentance. I do not think it will be long until we see a SBC hard split and I am sad about that. But in another way this would be good. The Lord always separates the wheat from the chaff. He shakes His kingdom and all its parts, to either condemn or awaken. I pray the SBC awakens.
Liz More prepares Resurrection Sunday sermon, misreads Eostre
Congregation ‘cool with it’
“It was just one of those things” said the peppy preacher, Liz More, on Monday. The congregation was initially perplexed at the theme of her sermon on Resurrection Sunday, but when More explained, they were cool with it.
“I thought it was about Eostre, the pagan goddess of fertility, or maybe the dawn and light. Either way, during my 15 minutes of research, I could see immediately that this was a necessary sermon for all people, especially misogynistic men, to hear and understand down to their patriarchal bones.”
More went on to say that in this climate, “It’s important for men to know that there are many women out there with leadership capabilities who should be given their due, and other goddesses who should be venerated and even given preaching positions.” Eostre was a tremendous voice for women in the early church, More affirmed.
The congregation at Metamorphosis Gathering in Amazonia, TX was thrilled with the new take on Easter. “I never knew it was about a fertility goddess!” gushed Penthesilea Abzug, with her close friend Hippolyta nodding in vigorous agreement. “I just know that the Patriarchy has been hiding this information from us Christians!”
Proudly non-binary Dale Femino said, “Now that I have this information, which is undeniably true since Liz More preached it, I am tipping more toward the feminine side of my biology. I just might pick ‘female’ when my gender fluidity slows down!”
Not all Southern Baptist leaders were as positive about the introduction of Amazonian Ethics into the Convention’s already crowded race, what with Critical Race Theory, Social Justice, and Intersectionality all vying for a high place in the polls.
“I think Liz is a great preacher,” said one, who refused to be named for fear of being hounded into hell by rabid More followers, “But don’t quote me on that last part. Anyway, I think another 5 or 10 minutes of research would have tightened up her sermon just a tad. But Liz is great! Did you get that? She’s super duper!”
More will be preaching next at Asphodel Meadows Bibleish Church at Dark River, OK, and Cockaigne Pointe in Doubting Hill, LA. Liz More is founder and President of I Am Proof Ministries, (I Am for short) and resides in Tombill TX when she is not enjoying her Bayfront home in Texas City with her man or her ranch out in Calf Creek, TX with her man. She enjoys chasing vines, puppies, unicorns, and potatoes.