By Elizabeth Prata
SYNOPSIS
I reflect on Jeremiah’s account of Israel’s idolatry, especially worship of the “Queen of Heaven,” noting how whole families participated. Drawing parallels to today, I warn that modern Christians similarly drift into false practices when men are passive and women exceed biblical roles, disrupting God’s intended balance.
By Elizabeth Prata
SYNOPSIS
I recount life aboard a sailboat, enduring the elements as a metaphor for the emotional toll of living with a contentious spouse. Drawing on Proverbs and Matthew Henry’s Commentary, I urge wives to foster peace at home, emphasizing kindness, self-denial, and Christlike love as a sanctuary for their husbands.
Continue reading “A Contentious Wife: A (weather) sailing story”By Elizabeth Prata
Susan Heck has been teaching, worshiping, and mentoring for a long time. She travels the country teaching on various theological topics, and one of her topics is on women and the Bible’s standards for wives.
Recently she presented information at Crossway Bible Church in Kansas. The topic was Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ. The 4 sessions plus Q&A are here: Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ.
Mrs. Heck said something in one of the sessions to which my ears perked up. She said she had been married almost 46 years before her husband passed away. Her husband wanted Susan to show respect for him almost more than her submission to him. She further said that she travels all around and sees that as Christian women we may be failing at the respect mandate.
I know my husband wanted my respect almost more than my submission. ~Susan Heck, Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ, session 3
We focus quite a bit on Titus 2 instructions because there are different demographics in the verses which apply to any number of women who read it. But Ephesians 5:33 also plainly sets out a biblical behavior standard, this time, for wives.
Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33).
It’s a command. Respect the husband.
5:22 wives While the cultural model for marriage in the Graeco-Roman world emphasized male patriarchal leadership, Paul’s model is based mutual love and respect (Eph 5:28, 33) and grounded in the OT creation story (v. 31 cites Gen 2:24). Faithlife Study Bible (Eph 5:22).
So what IS this respect?
v. 33. Reverence [respect] consists of love and esteem, which produce a care to please, and of fear, which awakens a caution lest just offence be given. Henry, M. (1994). Matthew Henry’s commentary on the whole Bible.
What does this word ‘respect’ mean in context? The word is used 95 times in the New Testament. The word in Greek in the Ephesians verse is phobeomai and it means fear, dread, reverence, am afraid, terrified.
You might notice the similarity to the word phobos, from which we get the English word phobia. Phobos in Greek means “fear” or “terror.”
WHAT?! Are we supposed to be afraid of our husbands!? No, see the usage explained from the Lexicon–
Usage: The Greek verb “phobeó” primarily means to fear or be afraid. It can denote a range of emotions from terror and dread to reverence and awe. In the New Testament, “phobeó” is used both in the context of fear of danger or harm and in the sense of reverential awe towards God. The term can imply a healthy respect or acknowledgment of God’s power and authority, as well as a warning against disobedience or sin.
So the word is used in different ways. We are not to fear the husband as we submit to him. We are to reverence him.
WHAT?! Like Sarah did when she called her husband ‘lord’?
Well…yes. As Peter instructed in 1 Peter 3:5-6, not to adorn themselves with outward treasures such as gold or braided hair, but inwardly with a pure conscience and respect toward the husband-
For in this way the holy women of former times, who hoped in God, also used to adorn themselves, being subject to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; and you have proved to be her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
Again, the word respect has many nuances and different meanings when studied. In the Ephesians verse it means a proper fear wrapped in reverence. As Christ is the head of the church we fear Him in reverent awe and respect, and since the husband is the stand-in for Christ in the home, leading with a sacrificial love that would lay down his life for his family, wives are to respect that, and fear him in the sense that Matthew Henry explained above and also below- with a reverential fear of offending.
Wives should be subject to their husbands, not from dread and amazement, but from desire to do well, and please God. ~MHenry
Lexicon again-
Paul shifted from submits (vv 22, 24) to respects (phobeomai, which means “reverence,” “fear offending”), implying that submission is the showing of respect. When a husband and wife fulfill their biblical roles, their marriage will function the way God intended. Bond, J. B. (2010). The Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Ephesians. The Grace New Testament Commentary.
Now it must be said that submitting to and respecting the husband are two different things. Of submission and respect, a wife can do one without the other. See Wendy Alsup here-
Surprisingly enough, I did not personally have that much of a problem with the concept of submitting to my husband. But respect was much harder. I could submit and still harbor anger and bitterness. I could still put out the vibe that says, “I am disappointed in your decision-making skills.” In fact, submission without respect let me live in a delusion of self-righteousness. “I am submitting, but I do not think you know what you are doing, and I am going to continue to let you know that I do not trust you with my attitude, even though, technically, I am submitting on this issue.” Submission does not equal respect. And submission without respect brings NO honor to God. Why would God command the combination of the two?” Alsup, W. H. (2010). By His wounds you are healed: How the message of Ephesians transforms a woman’s identity (pp. 133–134).
Wives, and I’ve been a wife before salvation, we know how to seemingly acquiesce but passively aggressively disrespect him, don’t we?
Susan Heck in her lesson on What does a Spirit Filled Marriage look Like? (and there is also a similarly titled booklet at her web store you can buy) lists 6 ways we can respect the husband. In the video she explains them but I won’t steal her thunder here, I’ll just list them.
1.Respect your husband’s work. Show an interest in your husband’s work whatever he does,
2. Respect his speech,
3. Respect his privacy,
4. Respect his eats (don’t nag him about what he eats),
5. Respect his convictions -some of you I know have unbelieving husbands but you still can graciously listen and reason with him,
6. Respect his time.
For practical resources on respecting the husband I turned to the Puritans. This is from Ligonier’s TableTalk Magazine, How did the Puritans understand marriage?
The Puritan view of marital love was overwhelmingly positive because it was informed by the Bible, the written Word of the God who instituted marriage at the time of our creation and regulated it by His commandments. As Packer says, “They went to Genesis for its institution, to Ephesians for its full meaning, to Leviticus for its hygiene, to Proverbs for its management, to several New Testament books for its ethic, and to Esther, Ruth and the Song of Songs for illustrations and exhibitions of the ideal.” They let the practices, duties, and ethics of marriage flow out of Scripture.
Ultimately the love of both husband and wife must be guided and energized by the fear of the Lord, and scripture contains all we need to use as the model and guide for marital life.
Further Resources
Susan Heck: What does a Spirit Filled Marriage look Like? (in this 1-hour teaching, Susan focuses for a bit on respecting the husband)
By Elizabeth Prata
I wasn’t saved until I was 42. Before that, I’d been married. I remember what it was like to complain about my spouse. It was the norm. It was a usual thing to gripe about him, to nitpick every fault and failure and deficit to my friends when we got together. We didn’t have the internet then, but we did complain about our spouses in public, even TO our spouses in public. All in good fun, we said. Just joshing.
Sure. Sure it was. What it actually was, was marital wars. It was putting salt on the jabs and pokes and little bitter wounds that pile up. It was a normal thing. Doing that meant we were trying to get an advantage in our constant undercurrent of passive-aggressive battle that unsaved marriages often are.
The unsaved’s marriage is a war, as Genesis 3:16 says the woman will constantly try to usurp her husband. In turn, the husband has to constantly suppress his wife. There is no common ground, as there is in a Christian marriage, the common ground being Jesus.
The Christian marriage is in fact a societal foundation block of intertwined flesh of two made one. It is a pair, united in purpose and walking together. Big difference from the ego-maniacal wars of the unsaved marriage.
When we are saved, we realize our utter depravity, our utter lostness before God, and our helpless estate. We need Jesus every moment to do what is right, and that includes loving our spouses well.
After salvation, I was not married any more but I watched Christian married couples closely. They loved each other. Their devotion seemed real and deep. They praised each other, lifted each other up, and spoke well of him or her.
This kind of behavior and their kind words about each other was startling in how much it contrasted with the darkness of non-Christian talk about spouses. It was like a warm glow of a candlelit table, comfortable and inviting, rather than the hot pricks and barbs of usual conversations about our spouse.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear.“
I would like to reiterate what Dr. Strachan said in the tweet screen shot above. It IS radical to speak well of one’s spouse (or of anyone!) I don’t know if long-time Christians know HOW radical it is. Wholesome and uplifting speech about your wife or husband is countercultural and stands out like a lighthouse beacon on a stormy night.
The good news is that if you have fallen into the trap of downgrading your spouse in public in speech or gestures, you can repent to Jesus and He will forgive. The Holy Spirit is our very present help to aid us in resisting that kind of speech.
If you have been uplifting your spouse in conversation to others, then please know how such talk stands out in the swirl of talk by the unsaved that usually consists of complaints, gossip, and pettiness. Such speech stands out like warm rain on a sunny day.
Our pastor is going through Jonah. It’s a great series. Naturally I got interested in reading Moby Dick, the Great American Novel, by Herman Melville.
I’m to the part in Moby Dick where narrator Ishmael is signed and shipped aboard the Pequod. They are about to set off from Nantucket in search of whales for their oil, which at the time, lit the world.
The character of Ishmael, who is ‘narrating’ this whale story, waxed philosophical about a particular quality in chief mate Starbuck, namely, his courage. Ishmael spent a good while extolling it, called practical, since mere man will soon face leviathan in his own element, the rolling deeps of the great cetacean.
At this point in his introductions, Ishmael said of Starbuck,
But were the coming narrative to reveal in any instance, the complete abasement of poor Starbuck’s fortitude, scarce might I have the heart to write it; for it is a thing most sorrowful, nay shocking, to expose the fall of valour in the soul. Men may seem detestable as joint stock-companies and nations; knaves, fools, and murderers there may be; men may have mean and meagre faces; but man, in the ideal, is so noble and so sparkling, such a grand and glowing creature, that over any ignominious blemish in him all his fellows should run to throw their costliest robes. That immaculate manliness we feel within ourselves, so far within us, that it remains intact though all the outer character seem gone; bleeds with keenest anguish at the undraped spectacle of a valor-ruined man.
The paragraph reminded me of the verse from 1 Peter:
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8).
It’s wedding season. Marriages are vowed before God and two become one. Wives, the Bible says, love your husband and submit to him. (Ephesians 5:22, Titus 2:4). Though Christians are saved and our souls have been regenerated, your man will still sin. When they do, –
that over any ignominious blemish in him all his fellows should run to throw their costliest robes
Wives, are we hesitant to expose the ignominious blemish? Do we rush to our brothers, husbands, fathers, to cover it with our costliest robes? Or do we grumble about it on Facebook? Complain to our friends? Manage to get in a snark through some backhanded compliment? “After 20 years, the hubs finally bought me some roses! Way to go hon!”
The undraped spectacle of a valor-ruined man is felt so keenly by the husband himself, yet the disagreeable wife sets up a neon arrow pointing to it. The agreeable wife rushes to cover with her costliest robe.
Love covers a multitude of sins. As far as possible, wives, overlook insults and injuries, and be ready to forgive him. It’s hard. Injustices and insults pile up and our natural flesh will want to rebel. (Genesis 3:16). Resist this.
It is easy to get married. It is hard to make a marriage. One difference you can make, wives, is determining which path you’ll take on behalf of your husband: rush to expose? Or rush to cover?
Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins. (Proverbs 10:12, KJV) – Barnes Notes says: First hides, does not expose, and then forgives and forgets all sins.
Women, what say you? Can you do it?
————————————-
Nautical Trivia
Trivia #1: In old mariner lingo an unlucky sailor is called “a Jonah”.
Trivia #2: Wikipedia says the ‘coffee chain Starbucks was named after Starbuck, not due to any affinity for coffee, but because the name “Pequod” was first rejected by one of the co-founders’.
Trivia #3: Starbuck was an important name in whaling being a prominent whaling family from Nantucket. Starbuck Island in the South Pacific is named for this family.
Trivia #4: from American Whaling:
The stench of processing whales was so strong a whale ship could be smelled over the horizon before it could be seen. Crewmen on American whaleships came from all over the globe. Their work was hard, dirty, smelly, dangerous, lonely, and poorly paid, but some still liked it better than their prospects ashore.
the-end-time.org 