Abandonment vs Refreshment: Which friend type are you?

By Elizabeth Prata

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If you have ever been in the midst of a controversy, you soon begin to see who your real friends are. As the controversy heats up, your friends edge away. They stop calling. They make excuses. They don’t sit with you in the workplace cafeteria. It becomes obvious they don’t want whatever ‘taint’ from your controversy to singe them, and they stay out of the circle of scorched earth you’re in.

Peter was one of those, after Jesus had been arrested, in attempt to separate himself from the stink of disgrace, Peter denied Jesus three times. Paul was deserted several times- John Mark left, Demas departed because he loved the world, and in 2 Timothy 4:16 Paul said ‘all’ had abandoned him at his first trial.

Of course we know that in the end, out of thousands who had followed Jesus in his heyday, only 4 women and John stayed with Jesus at the cross.

Self-preservation is strong in the human soul. It takes a strong person to stick with you when the chips are down. In 2 Timothy 1:15-18 we read Paul’s statement that ‘all who are in Asia turned away from me’. No matter how strong in the Lord a person is, it is still heartbreaking to be abandoned. Here, Paul mentions two specific men who left him: Phygelus and Hermogenes.

You are aware of the fact that all who are in Asia turned away from me, among whom are Phygelus and Hermogenes. (2 Timothy 1:15)

That hurts. For Paul to specifically name these guys must have meant that the letter recipients knew the two men. No doubt it brought uncertainty to the heart of some, who may have wondered, ‘should I leave? Why did they leave? Should I stay associated with Paul, or distance myself?’ Abandonment is disheartening. How do we know? Because Paul uses the opposite to describe one who stayed.

The Lord grant mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, for he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains; but when he was in Rome, he eagerly searched for me and found me— the Lord grant to him to find mercy from the Lord on that day—and you know very well what services he rendered at Ephesus. (2 Timothy 1:16-18).

We learn much just from those 3 verses. (By the way, Onesiphorus is not Onesimus, the fugitive slave of Philemon).

1.He refreshed me- often! Visiting a dear friend who’s down is refreshing- to both of you. Sharing your joy in the Lord is refreshing. Singing together is refreshing. Just being there physically is refreshing. We don’t know for sure exactly what Onesiphorus did for Paul that was so refreshing but no doubt it included some of those things. And Onesiphorus did it often. Not a perfunctory visit. Not a putting in the time looking at the watch kind of visit, but many deep, refreshing sojourns.

2.’Not ashamed of Paul’s chains’- Onesiphorus’ identity was so strongly in the Lord he was not afraid to have his own reputation damaged by being seen at the disgraceful jail with this questionable character of Paul. This is a true friend. Self-preservation was not on his plate, selflessness was.

3.’Eagerly sought Paul’. It is refreshing just to know that someone is searching for you, eager to visit, and not grudgingly. It makes you feel loved! That’s refreshing!

4.’Service rendered at Ephesus.’ This is a man who loves the Lord and serves in many ways. Paul ended his letter with greetings to Onesiphorus’ household (2 Timothy 4:19). Onesiphorus’ service to Paul was really unto the Lord. Paul was blessed by it, no doubt Onesiphorus was blessed (Mark 9:41), and importantly, the Lord was blessed.

Choose your friends wisely. (Proverbs 12:26). Some may want to be your friend because of something they can get from you:

Many will seek the favor of a generous man,
And every man is a friend to him who gives gifts.
All the brothers of a poor man hate him;
How much more do his friends abandon him!
He pursues them with words, but they are gone. Proverbs 19:6-7

Maybe Phygelus and Hermogenes felt that way.

The Apostles and Disciples weren’t infallible. Sometimes they made mistakes. Philip baptized Simon the Magician. Demas was revealed to be a non-believer. John Mark failed for a while and bounced back, but not without fracturing a relationship and some heartache in between. But a true friend is good as gold.

What is a true friend? (List from GotQuestions)

A true friend shows love, no matter what (Proverbs 17:17).
A true friend gives heartfelt advice, bringing joy to the heart (Proverbs 27:9).
A true friend rebukes when necessary, but the correction is done in love (Proverbs 27:5–6).
A true friend influences, enlivens, and sharpens (Proverbs 27:17).
A true friend avoid gossip (Proverbs 16:28).
A true friend forgives and does not hold grudges (Proverbs 17:9).
A true friend is loyal (Proverbs 18:24).
A true friend helps in time of need (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12).

The time may well come when a friend of yours enters into difficulty because of the faith. What kind of friend will you be? Stalwart, loyal, selfless? One who refreshes?

Or craven, undependable, selfish? One who abandons? Gear up now. These decisions will be happening.