By Elizabeth Prata
Person: Wah, the church hurt me.
Me: So?
P: Well, I’m HURT!
Me: So?
P: You monster, I’m in pain!
Me: So?
P: I hate the church because it’s full of hateful people like you. I’m leaving.
It hurts to be betrayed by your pastor. I know, it happened to me long ago, twice. It hurts deeply and in a way that other abuses don’t even touch, because they are just of the body, but pastoral or church wounds split the spirit.
At the same time, we cannot indulge the forever ‘hurt’ person in church. There is a point where empathy or compassion or hurt goes too far.
But before we continue, I make the explicit point that this essay is not about ‘shooting the wounded’ as Chuck Girard famously sang in 1983. It’s about learning to regulate our emotions, and it’s about spotting the emotional manipulators who claim the church hurt them, but refuse to either repent or forgive.
In the past, educators included teaching on emotional regulation as part of the normal day. Greg Morse in his essay “Emotions make Terrible Gods, wrote,
Educators in other eras considered the training of their pupils’ sentiments as a chief part of their employ. As opposed to merely making sure they knew their multiplication table and English grammar, education sought to train students to hate what is hateful and love what is lovely. They taught how to discriminate the good from the bad and then respond appropriately.
This society has become an emotional free-for-all where some who express any emotion use that as a justification for their abhorrent or destructive behavior. The emotionally immature or unrestrained emotionalism person expects sympathy or affirmation for their behavior connected to that emotion. Controlling one’s emotions seems like an antiquated or even destructive teaching these days. I assure you it isn’t.
In fact, we are commanded by God to feel certain things at certain times. Here are just a few examples from Morse, again from his article Emotions Make Terrible Gods:
Does God expect us to train our feelings? It appears that he does. He commands them. God commands obedience “from the heart” (Romans 6:17) — the vessel we often judge as ungovernable. He, unlike the mother, tells us what to fear and what not to fear (Luke 12:4–5); what we must and must not delight in (Philippians 4:4); what we must abhor (Romans 12:9); that we must never be anxious (Philippians 4:6); and how we can and cannot be angry (Ephesians 4:26).
I’m not talking about suppressing emotions, but for the Christian to be aware of two facts:
- Emotions lie
- Christians must not act FROM emotions
We DO feel Anger, empathy, fear, joy, sadness, anxiety, right? I also include hurt in the list. Feeling put-upon, wounded, misjudged, all those contribute to the umbrella of ‘hurt’. It is a true thing that people have been hurt by the church.
Steve Nichols at Ligonier, however, explains that there is a difference between emotions and emotionalism.
There is a difference between emotion and emotionalism.
When you get into emotionalism, the barometer for what is true or what is real becomes how I feel about it. So if I feel excited about this, this thing is good. If I don’t feel excited about this, this thing is bad. We can even judge doctrine that way and begin to ask, “How does this make me feel?” or, “How does a biblical book make me feel?” and judge its value to our life and our Christian walk based on that.
Emotions are real and of course God knows this. He knows we are fragile, dumb sheep. The Spirit has inspired many verses about how to handle the wounded.
Galatians 6:1 says Brothers and sisters, even if a person is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual are to restore such a person in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you are not tempted as well.
Of Galatians 6:1 Barnes’ Notes says, “we should be tender while we are firm; forgiving while we set our faces against evil; prayerful while we rebuke; and compassionate when we are compelled to inflict on others the discipline of the church.“
Romans 12:15 says, Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
Paul says in 2 Corinthians 2:6-8 of the person who caused sorrow, Sufficient for such a person is this punishment which was imposed by the majority, 7so that on the other hand, you should rather forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a person might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him.
Church SHOULD be a sanctuary for all who enter, a place of emotional maturity to help the wounded, the sinning, the grieving, the hurt, the joyful, the anxious…but I know that oftentimes it isn’t.
Alternately, there are true churches that are a sanctuary but contain congregants who feel wounded in some way (perhaps they underwent appropriate discipline, or whose husband had a moral failure and the wife feels it wasn’t properly addressed, or any number of feelings of anger, disappointment, or hurt.) In many cases the feelings of hurt the person are not helpful – or even genuine.
It’s a dilemma, this person says the church hurt them and that person says the church hurt them, but one is genuine and one is a manipulator.
Did you know that in between 1 and 2 Corinthians, Paul wrote another, more “severe” letter? That letter is not part of the canon, apparently the Spirit did not wish to preserve that epistle for all time. However we know Paul wrote it and we know why. As RC Sproul said in his essay Paul’s Severe Letter to the Corinthians,
The Apostle tells us in 2 Corinthians 1:23 that he did not come to Corinth because he wanted to spare them. As 1:24–2:4 makes clear, Paul’s unplanned visit to Corinth to deal with problems there after writing 1 Corinthians was quite painful for both the Apostle and the church there. We do not know what happened during that meeting, but it was so difficult that the Apostle did not believe another visit would be fruitful, at least not before there had been some move toward reconciliation. Paul had enacted some kind of church discipline during that “painful visit,” the congregation had not responded well, and hard feelings existed on all sides. Thus, Paul did not return so that he would not exacerbate tensions.
The Corinthian church was a mess. There were sins, wounds, hurts, bitterness, apathy, unbiblical tolerance, and more. At one point, Paul asked them if they wanted him to come to them with gentleness, or a rod.
What do you desire? That I come to you with a rod, or with love and a spirit of gentleness? (1 Corinthians 4:21).
Here, Paul is demonstrating that a pastor has a diversity of approaches in his handling of truculent congregants. He, or the other leaders, carefully consider which to employ, when. The gentle touch or the rod? Both are appropriate. It is NOT unloving to handle a self-identifying wounded congregant with a rod. Sometimes it’s necessary if they have crossed the boundary into destructive behavior. It is then the behavior, not the hurt, must be addressed.
When a congregant feels that the church hurt them, there is no set timetable for a person to move on from that hurt. Some wounded folks forgive quicker, others take longer. So how do we reconcile dealing with true hurt and false hurt? Or know when it’s been long enough? A few ways.
One is obvious- they refuse even a gentle rebuke, reject correction, refuse even to come to the table to talk about it. In that case it becomes clear they WANT to remain in the hurt mode and not reconcile or heal.
Secondly, we know they have crossed the line from feeling hurt and disappointed, to bitterness and more destructive emotions, when they begin to gossip or slander. If they gossip about their issue that ‘hurt’ them, blaming and shaming others, you know that their heart has become entrenched in an emotion that is not of God, but one that is damaging to themselves, the people around them, and to the church’s reputation.
In a recent case of a leader who was revealed to be an adulterous hypocrite, a woman on Twitter/X had been a former member of that leader’s church. She claimed to have been ‘hurt’ by that church and left it. She never said if she was (rightly) excommunicated or if she was genuinely hurt by bad practices. But she had much to say about the goings at that church on during the scandal. Because she was no longer a member there, the information she posted was second-hand leaks from present members; so, gossip. After reading numerous negative and slanderous tweets of hers, I gently chided her for her slander of the elders, but the admonition fell on deaf ears. She continued to slander because she had been ‘hurt’, feeling justified and righteous to do so. This is wrong.
A smaller category of wounded women are the abuse divas. They’re a smaller category but are louder than any other. They claim to have been sexually harassed or even sexually abused by leadership and have ‘triumphed’ over their wounds by becoming “church sexual abuse survivors.” Others say they are “spiritual abuse survivors”.
Yet, constant obsessing over past wounds is not triumphing over anything, least of all over one’s emotions. Constant harping on what ‘they did to me’ is the opposite of forgiveness and moving on. These women are a clutch of menacing ravens hovering darkly over the church, shrieking their ‘story’ to all who dare to glance even momentarily toward their gloom.
This bunch is easy to spot. They are constantly negative, have nothing good to say about the church, and boast of their departure from it, even gloating in their own deconstruction. They cannot and will not regulate their emotions toward anything healthier or even toward what is commanded.
I understand hurt. Trust me, I understand abuse. I also can detect narcissistic ‘poor me, I’m hurt’ woundedness. I have little tolerance for the latter. Why?
Jesus was rejected by his own people, betrayed, scourged, crucified. Paul was beaten, falsely arrested, rejected. Sinners sin. Sinners populate churches. You’ll get hurt. Life hurts. Why? Sin. It happens.
Peter speaks of not being surprised when the fiery trial comes upon them, as if it was a strange thing. He was speaking of persecution there but why should we be surprised when any trial comes upon us? It would be ordained by God and for our good, even though it may feel horrific at the time. This is why we must put aside feeling blame against the church and trust Jesus.
If a person is in an unsafe situation in the church, of course, she should leave and seek help. Remember, I’m talking about when people claim the CHURCH hurt them, not wounds they bring to the church from prior to salvation or hurts that occur outside the church from their personal life.
Jesus underwent the greatest hurt and betrayal of all time. He triumphed over that evil and all evil so that He could save His own and bring them to healing at His throne. Jesus is the great Healer!
Keep your eyes on Jesus. He loves you and will wipe those tears on the Day. But He must be worshiped no matter how you feel or no matter how you’ve been ‘hurt.’ We have to be undaunted. Blaming ‘religion’ for our hurts is in effect, blaming Jesus! No, no! There is no one more unjustly hurt on this earth than the sinless, holy God-Man who came to save us but was killed by his own ‘religion’, but a religion that He said had been perverted into something evil.
We need to think of God’s definitions of love, goodness, and justice. God’s commands for our emotions. The wisdom of acknowledging our emotions while not succumbing to emotionalism. The church contains sinners and sometimes their sinful behavior may hurt you. But the sweetness of healing at His throne from all hurts, even those foisted upon you from the church, is found in Him.
Isaiah 53:5, But He was pierced for our offenses,
He was crushed for our wrongdoings;
The punishment for our well-being was laid upon Him,
And by His wounds we are healed.
Isaiah 61:1-3; The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
Because the Lord anointed me
To bring good news to the humble;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim release to captives
And freedom to prisoners;
2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
3 To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The cloak of praise instead of a disheartened spirit.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified
Psalm 147:3; He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.
Further Reading
TruthScript: David Platt and the Respectable Sin of Pastoral Corruption
Desiring God: Emotions Make Terrible Gods: Taking Control of Our Feelings
Ligonier: What do you think about emotional sensationalism in the modern church?
the-end-time.org 