By Elizabeth Prata
SYNOPSIS
A couple’s intimate moment at a Coldplay concert was broadcast on the jumbotron, revealing an alleged affair between Andy Byron, a married CEO, and HR Chief Kristin Cabot. Their actions drew public scrutiny, emphasizing the harm of adultery. The incident highlights the emotional pain for families and the spiritual consequences of infidelity.
Continue reading “Caught on Jumbotron: The Impact of Infidelity”By Elizabeth Prata
Susan Heck has been teaching, worshiping, and mentoring for a long time. She travels the country teaching on various theological topics, and one of her topics is on women and the Bible’s standards for wives.
Recently she presented information at Crossway Bible Church in Kansas. The topic was Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ. The 4 sessions plus Q&A are here: Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ.
Mrs. Heck said something in one of the sessions to which my ears perked up. She said she had been married almost 46 years before her husband passed away. Her husband wanted Susan to show respect for him almost more than her submission to him. She further said that she travels all around and sees that as Christian women we may be failing at the respect mandate.
I know my husband wanted my respect almost more than my submission. ~Susan Heck, Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ, session 3
We focus quite a bit on Titus 2 instructions because there are different demographics in the verses which apply to any number of women who read it. But Ephesians 5:33 also plainly sets out a biblical behavior standard, this time, for wives.
Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33).
It’s a command. Respect the husband.
5:22 wives While the cultural model for marriage in the Graeco-Roman world emphasized male patriarchal leadership, Paul’s model is based mutual love and respect (Eph 5:28, 33) and grounded in the OT creation story (v. 31 cites Gen 2:24). Faithlife Study Bible (Eph 5:22).
So what IS this respect?
v. 33. Reverence [respect] consists of love and esteem, which produce a care to please, and of fear, which awakens a caution lest just offence be given. Henry, M. (1994). Matthew Henry’s commentary on the whole Bible.
What does this word ‘respect’ mean in context? The word is used 95 times in the New Testament. The word in Greek in the Ephesians verse is phobeomai and it means fear, dread, reverence, am afraid, terrified.
You might notice the similarity to the word phobos, from which we get the English word phobia. Phobos in Greek means “fear” or “terror.”
WHAT?! Are we supposed to be afraid of our husbands!? No, see the usage explained from the Lexicon–
Usage: The Greek verb “phobeó” primarily means to fear or be afraid. It can denote a range of emotions from terror and dread to reverence and awe. In the New Testament, “phobeó” is used both in the context of fear of danger or harm and in the sense of reverential awe towards God. The term can imply a healthy respect or acknowledgment of God’s power and authority, as well as a warning against disobedience or sin.
So the word is used in different ways. We are not to fear the husband as we submit to him. We are to reverence him.
WHAT?! Like Sarah did when she called her husband ‘lord’?
Well…yes. As Peter instructed in 1 Peter 3:5-6, not to adorn themselves with outward treasures such as gold or braided hair, but inwardly with a pure conscience and respect toward the husband-
For in this way the holy women of former times, who hoped in God, also used to adorn themselves, being subject to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; and you have proved to be her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
Again, the word respect has many nuances and different meanings when studied. In the Ephesians verse it means a proper fear wrapped in reverence. As Christ is the head of the church we fear Him in reverent awe and respect, and since the husband is the stand-in for Christ in the home, leading with a sacrificial love that would lay down his life for his family, wives are to respect that, and fear him in the sense that Matthew Henry explained above and also below- with a reverential fear of offending.
Wives should be subject to their husbands, not from dread and amazement, but from desire to do well, and please God. ~MHenry
Lexicon again-
Paul shifted from submits (vv 22, 24) to respects (phobeomai, which means “reverence,” “fear offending”), implying that submission is the showing of respect. When a husband and wife fulfill their biblical roles, their marriage will function the way God intended. Bond, J. B. (2010). The Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Ephesians. The Grace New Testament Commentary.
Now it must be said that submitting to and respecting the husband are two different things. Of submission and respect, a wife can do one without the other. See Wendy Alsup here-
Surprisingly enough, I did not personally have that much of a problem with the concept of submitting to my husband. But respect was much harder. I could submit and still harbor anger and bitterness. I could still put out the vibe that says, “I am disappointed in your decision-making skills.” In fact, submission without respect let me live in a delusion of self-righteousness. “I am submitting, but I do not think you know what you are doing, and I am going to continue to let you know that I do not trust you with my attitude, even though, technically, I am submitting on this issue.” Submission does not equal respect. And submission without respect brings NO honor to God. Why would God command the combination of the two?” Alsup, W. H. (2010). By His wounds you are healed: How the message of Ephesians transforms a woman’s identity (pp. 133–134).
Wives, and I’ve been a wife before salvation, we know how to seemingly acquiesce but passively aggressively disrespect him, don’t we?
Susan Heck in her lesson on What does a Spirit Filled Marriage look Like? (and there is also a similarly titled booklet at her web store you can buy) lists 6 ways we can respect the husband. In the video she explains them but I won’t steal her thunder here, I’ll just list them.
1.Respect your husband’s work. Show an interest in your husband’s work whatever he does,
2. Respect his speech,
3. Respect his privacy,
4. Respect his eats (don’t nag him about what he eats),
5. Respect his convictions -some of you I know have unbelieving husbands but you still can graciously listen and reason with him,
6. Respect his time.
For practical resources on respecting the husband I turned to the Puritans. This is from Ligonier’s TableTalk Magazine, How did the Puritans understand marriage?
The Puritan view of marital love was overwhelmingly positive because it was informed by the Bible, the written Word of the God who instituted marriage at the time of our creation and regulated it by His commandments. As Packer says, “They went to Genesis for its institution, to Ephesians for its full meaning, to Leviticus for its hygiene, to Proverbs for its management, to several New Testament books for its ethic, and to Esther, Ruth and the Song of Songs for illustrations and exhibitions of the ideal.” They let the practices, duties, and ethics of marriage flow out of Scripture.
Ultimately the love of both husband and wife must be guided and energized by the fear of the Lord, and scripture contains all we need to use as the model and guide for marital life.
Further Resources
Susan Heck: What does a Spirit Filled Marriage look Like? (in this 1-hour teaching, Susan focuses for a bit on respecting the husband)
By Elizabeth Prata
WISDOM
I saw a 5 minute clip on Twitter of a motherly woman cooking food while talking to three younger ladies sitting at her kitchen counter bar. It was clip #3, and I haven’t seen the other clips, but I loved this one.
It began with a question from a young lady who apparently is engaged. She asked about submitting to her fiancé, and her desire IS to submit, in order to show him that she will be a submissive wife.
The reply was gracious and good. First of all, the woman said that the Bible does not command women to submit to almost-husbands, boyfriends, or random men, but to submit to her own husband. Submission is not commanded until she has a ring on her finger and he has taken vows under which the verse says he will lay down his life for her. Then the three gals cutely chanted ‘Put a ring on it, put a ring on it.’
This is correct, and I agree. The verse says, Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22.
Then the young lady followed up with wondering how to show her husband-to-be that she is submissive. The answer by the Titus 2 woman was also wise. If her fiancé is the leader she needs him to be, he will know how to gauge her submissiveness, along with everything else he wants in a Christian wife (not solely submissiveness).
Without the young lady having to practice it front of him or specifically demonstrating submission to a man she is not married to as yet, firstly, he can observe her submission to God. How does she do in the good times and times that are not so good? Does she rely on the Lord? Keep her composure? Maintain her trust in His promises that all He does is good? Is she prayerful?
And secondly, she can observe him. Watch how he submits to his parents. How he treats them. How he speaks of them. The matron reminded the young lady, the Bible says to ‘Honor Thy Parents’.
At this juncture the young lady interjected that the man she intends to marry speaks ill of his mother, and has grudges against her and won’t speak to her. The Matronly woman said if he speaks ill of his mom, he will eventually speak ill of her. The girls pondered this silently for a moment.
This is true. I have seen this. How a person behaves now is how he will behave later. If he holds grudges now, he’ll hold them later. Gossip now, gossip later. Perhaps he will grow in the future as he becomes more sanctified. But we’re talking marriage here. Young women and young men vetting a mate would do well to see if they are ready now. Not marry now and hope he changes later.
By this time, the girls were getting the idea that they also look at the husband-to-be with a biblical lens. It’s not all just one-way. It’s not solely about submissiveness, either.
Auntie asked, ‘Has he talked to you about how he will be the leader of the house? How he plans to provide, protect, and love you?’ At this point the young lady said they had been together two years, and he can’t keep a job. That he loses them, it’s always someone else’s fault, he doesn’t like the people he works with, or some excuse or another.
If this was a movie, the Director would be cueing the ‘uh-oh’ music by now. The gal eventually said, “I guess his actions don’t always align with what he is saying.”
This is wisdom. I liked how the Titus 2 older lady brought the younger woman to this piece of important wisdom without necessarily downgrading the young man or judging her choice in him. She had asked questions, related verses or biblical concepts, and let the gal ponder and come to her conclusions. If you are strong in the Bible, the Spirit will lead you there.
Girls, Ladies, women, sisters, if there is one thing I learned the hard way, is that what people say and what they do must match up. We are Christians, told to and wanting to believe the best in people. We trust. But we need to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves, as well. (Matthew 10:16). We MUST look at the behavior and see if their stated Christian values align with their actions.
Auntie reminded the girls that we will know the true vs. the false by their fruit. That is another good verse to help us pick through the emotions, words, and actions to determine whether what we are holding in our hand is an apple or a thorn. These two young people met in church. But even at that, we can’t set aside the warning bells, mismatch of words vs actions. It is easy to rationalize away mere words on a case by case basis. But when holding words AND actions to the lens of scripture, things become clear, even with people you dearly love, or want to love.
“This guy is showing you that he can’t keep a job. Are you going to want to work to provide for the family for the entire marriage?”
Gal said, “No…”
And the reply was “Well, he is already showing you that he is unwilling to provide.”
Ladies, if you know the whole counsel of God it will prepare you for vetting a potential life mate. Marriage is not just learning that “the wife submits, the wife submits, the wife submits.” Look at your boyfriend’s word and actions. Is he self-controlled? He will be with you AND your children. Is he a diligent, hard worker? He will provide for you. Does he honor his parents? He will honor you. Does he faithfully attend church and serve in godly ways? He is showing you that he will maintain his equilibrium over the years because he is standing on the Foundation.
Stay in church, stay reading your Bible, keep praying for that man to come along. Be wise and innocent, be a fruit inspector. Pursue wisdom!
The Pursuit of Wisdom Brings Security
2 My son, if you will receive my words
And treasure my commandments within you,
2 Make your ear attentive to wisdom;
Incline your heart to understanding.
3 For if you cry out for insight,
And raise your voice for understanding;
4 If you seek her as silver
And search for her as for hidden treasures;
5 Then you will understand the fear of the Lord,
And discover the knowledge of God.
6 For the Lord gives wisdom;
From His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
(Proverbs 2:2-6)
By Elizabeth Prata
Our Sunday School class is going through the book of Esther. We had spent 26 weeks going through the Doctrine of Providence, when that class concluded, one of our teachers thought going through Esther would be a good extension of the subject. I love the doctrine of Providence and I hadn’t deeply studied Esther before, so I hopped into his class.
We read of Haman, of course, the main antagonist. And then we read two times of Haman’s wife, Zeresh. She is mentioned in Esther 5:14 where Zeresh listened to her husband’s woes about hating Mordecai. She was the one (along with Haman’s friends) who suggested building the gallows. THAT cheered Haman up! Nothing like killing a man you hate to make you happy! Then Zeresh is mentioned again in Esther 6:13 where she (along with his friends) said oops, your star is falling, your influence will dry up and you won’t win against Esther.
Those two were a power couple in a negative way. That thought got me thinking about couples. There are those who spurred each other on in Godly ways, a united pairing displaying God’s glory. And I thought of couples who spurred each other on to evil deeds and eventually fell. And then couples where only one of the two was obedient and faithful and hung in there to give God glory. Let’s take a look at a few, and not the most famous ones, either.
BOTH ARE GOOD
Priscilla and Aquila: This was a married pair mentioned in the New Testament 6 times in four different NT books! Each time they are mentioned they’re always mentioned together. They were a pair, united by marriage in the Lord, working solidly with each other for God’s glory. They taught, they hosted, they labored at their trade, they were consistent and committed. Together they were a super-duo, relying on the Spirit and advancing the church with their dutiful example.
BOTH ARE BAD
And then we have Couples who spurred each other on to bad works. Their pairing in marriage seemed to combine not the holiest of attitudes in them to greater heights, but the more depraved attitudes in them combining to descend them to greater depths.
Ahab and Jezebel. The Bible notes that the pair were evil each in their own way displeasing God constantly. (1 Kings 16:33). Jezebel incited her husband to many wicked deeds, which he willingly performed. (1 Kings 21:25). Two bad apples combining to make a polluted apple pie, this combo did much damage to the people around them.
Ananias and Sapphira: These two were counted in the early church as members, perhaps believers (more on that in a minute), and who joined in with the initial thrust to donate. They sold some land and promised the yield to the church. When Ananias stepped forward to give it at Peter’s feet, he actually only provided part of it, and Peter by knowledge of the Spirit caught Ananias in the lie. Ananias was struck dead. Sapphira a few minutes later, she, having confirmed her husband’s lie. They both colluded against the Holy Spirit and they separately confirmed greed in their heart.
There is great debate about whether the duo were actually believers or not. Piper thinks no, that they were phony Christians. MacArthur thinks yes, they were believers.
But isn’t it awful to leave people wondering if you were actually a true believer at all? Was theirs a case of bad company corrupting good character? Did one infect the other with leaven, spoiling the whole marriage? Was one unable to overcome the flesh and influence the other toward evil? Or were both simply greedy and allowing that one prevalent sin to have them?
ONE GOOD, ONE BAD
Lot and Mrs Lot: We do have many examples of these pairings: Lot and Mrs Lot. Mrs Lot was unveiled at the last minute as clinging to the world, not looking ahead to righteousness. Yes, Lot did some stupid things, but the Bible calls him righteous. (2 Peter 2:7). He must have done something right, his married daughters came with him instead of staying with their husbands. (A Lot of Righteousness). Mrs. Lot clung to the world (and became part of it).
Abigail and Nabal: Another one-good-one bad pairing we find in Abigail and Nabal. Their story is recorded in 1 Samuel 25. Nabal was described as “harsh and evil in his dealings”. His own servants and his wife described Nabal as “a worthless man”. Yet Abigail’s patience in living with this brute is obvious, and her intelligence in approaching David to persuade him to leave off murdering Nabal and his men, is also seen. Abigail is blessed by David in Yahweh’s name: David said, “blessed be your discernment, and blessed be you, who have kept me this day from bloodshed…” (1 Samuel 25:33).
In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior. (1 Peter 3:1-2).
In this case, Nabal was not won over, David was. Nabal died soon after and David proposed marriage to Abigail.
A bad marriage is hard. A good marriage is hard. But if one of the pair isn’t saved, it just makes things so difficult because you are both pulling in different directions. Even if both claim to be saved but one is a lot less mature in the faith, again, difficulty.
“We’ve all heard it said that marriage exposes our own sin and selfishness, and that the marriage relationship sanctifies us with an intensity that can be, at times, quite uncomfortable.” ~Two Sinners and One Sinless, CBMW, By Elisha Galotti.
Job and Mrs Job: When the chips were down (waaaaay down), Mrs Job told her husband he might as well “curse God and die”. Maybe she blamed Job, more likely she blamed God, doubting Him. In Job 2:9 she blurted to her husband,
“Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!”
It seems that perhaps Mrs Job was annoyed to the extreme of her husband’s acceptance of God’s work in their lives. Thankfully Job did not take his wife’s ‘advice’ and eventually all was restored to Job. Interestingly, we read nothing of Mrs Job in her husband’s restoration happy ending. We read he received a house, more animals than before, and additional children, who grew to receive an inheritance and the Bible even records the names of the first 3. But no name for Mrs Job and no mention of her in the epilogue. Perhaps she had reaped what she had sown.
Hosea and Gomer: This pairing was again one of extreme difficulty and heartache. Hosea was righteous and Gomer was a troubled sinner for most of the marriage. She was an adulteress, she had an illegitimate child(ren, perhaps 3), she caused Hosea years of pain and embarrassment. Hosea patiently and lovingly sought Gomer, forgave her, took her back in with patience and deep commitment. Eventually she settled. Hosea’s love for his sinning wife was not diminished by her sin, he maintained loving faithfulness. From that, Hosea grew in deeper understanding of the forgiving love of God.
Marriage is two sinners each trying to subdue their own flesh nature. Without Christ, it can be a conflagration. With Christ, it’s still hard. I pray that if you, dear reader are in a difficult marriage, that you diligently search out Bible verses addressing your situation. And I humbly ask you to think of the couples in the Bible who each made a successful marriage, and what made some of their marriages unsuccessful.
The key point is, you are not alone. The Holy Spirit is with you.
We believe in the power of the Holy Spirit—the power that brought about resurrection life, softened hearts of stone, and gave eyes of faith when we were blinded by sin. Yet sometimes in marriage, in the dismal moments of anger, hostility, or painful hurt, we forget that we’re not doing this alone. Sometimes in our sin and failures, we forget that the power and help of the Holy Spirit is ever present, ever helping, ever convicting, guiding, prompting and empowering us to do what is right. ~Two Sinners and One Sinless, CBMW, By Elisha Galotti
By Elizabeth Prata
It’s wedding season when so many young women get married. The flurry of bridal showers, wedding planning, caterers, dress fittings. Then the big day comes, it’s a high that a woman does not soon forget.
It does all go by fast, the day is a blur, but a happy one. Everything is fresh, new, dewy promises and hugs and handshakes and assurances and vows.
And then if they honeymoon, after the honeymoon’s over they return and sink into life. The routine of working, cleaning, cooking, chatting, fighting, resenting, making up. Repeat.
If a married biological biological woman and a man (for there is no other kind of marriage) are not saved by the blood of Christ what you have in marriage is the close proximity of two sinners competing for dominance of their own sin nature. In the case of non-saved couples, marriage is hard, one of the hardest things on earth, because you must not only mortify your own sin, but submit to one another.
Both saved and unsaved people intuitively understand that marriage is hard. When coming across a married couple that have stayed together for 30, 40, 50 years, they are looked at like a mythological creature. We are gazing upon a griffin or a unicorn. I often hear people wonderingly ask a long-term married couple, “What’s the secret?”
I remember that myself. We were visiting an old Italian nonnie in Providence Rhode Island. She wasn’t saved. They were 50 years married. The husband came ambling through, the wife playfully joked with her hubby and they had a brief moment of teenager-y interaction ending with a quick kiss. It could not have been any cuter than two kittens playing. We stared in wonder, as if we were at a zoo, gazing at them through glass, the placard beside it stating “Long-term Married Couple in Love. Species: Human. Habitat: Providence, RI.”
One of us in the group asked, “What’s the secret to a long marriage?” We breathlessly awaited the pronouncement, the answer to the key of life from someone who had unlocked it.
She took a deep breath, aimed a crooked, arthritic finger at us and said slowly, “You have to overlook a lot of things.”
We nodded sagely and let the moment have its moment, before resuming our conversation.
I got married when I was 22. The progression I had been taught to follow for a life plan was graduate high school, go to college, then get a graduate degree, get married, get a house, and have a career in academia. I was on that track. I was not saved yet.
I’d graduated from college the year before, my fiancé and I moved in together, spent the next year establishing ourselves in our city finding jobs etc. I became a substitute teacher (my ultimate goal was to earn a Ph.D and teach college, so teaching in an elementary school was a good first step while I saved up money for grad school). He wanted to be an engineer. We also spent the year preparing for the wedding.
The day came and I was happy. I really was. Yet I knew deep down this was not the man for me, but I had an idol of marriage and I stuck to it rigidly. I wanted the love and security I thought a marriage would provide- all on its own. I thought that stepping through the threshold of the marriage temple, that THEN everything would be all right. Automatically.
It wasn’t.
What we had were two sinners with competing self-interests. I became a golf widow pretty quickly (his idol was sports). He was gone all Sunday so I took that time to prepare my lesson plans for school. I had earned my teaching certificate and was teaching first grade.
Saturdays we had to spend at the in-laws. Every Saturday without fail, the bulk of the day at mom-in-law’s. I didn’t mind visiting, but it was the “have to” I found objectionable. I hated that he was tied to his mother’s apron strings and didn’t have the courage to say “My wife and I are having a picnic this Saturday…going to a movie…taking a drive to the mountains…” Nope. His mom came first, not his wife. We weren’t saved, so he didn’t know Genesis 2:24, that “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Our marriage had 2 flesh, but one of them wasn’t mine.
We always piled in to the in-law’s living room and and there was never a question that every Saturday of our lives we’d would be doing this. The work week was, well, work. We never had time to ourselves.
A few years went on. Even though we were not saved, we had followed normal wedding protocol. Our wedding was in a Methodist church and there was a minister and the marriage vows. One of those vows was ‘forsaking all others’.
He didn’t.
but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:32)
He found someone else at work, fell in love with her, had an affair. Deep down I knew. His attention had dwindled. His temper was shorter. Always a nervous fellow, he was more antsy than ever before. He just didn’t want to be here. Emotionally, he wasn’t.
Adultery is a devastating sin. The Bible tells us that sexual sins are bad.
but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:28).
When you have two saved and forgiven sinners you have the help of the Holy Spirit to subdue the natural sin nature in us that wants its worldly lusts. Subdue the sin that wants to nurse bitterness. Subdue the sin that wants its selfish desires fulfilled. Subdue the sin that doesn’t know what it means to serve, sacrifice, and truly love. And it’s still hard!
Do not lust in your heart for her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes. (Proverbs 6:25)
Since a marital couple is one flesh, when one of them rips away to include an interloper into the marriage, the wound is deep, deep. Is the fleshly satisfaction of uniting with an adulteress or an adulterer worth it? No. There is shame, and conscience-pricking, and anger, and if there are children, they are wounded. Even if the sin isn’t caught out, it’s still a terrible sin.
In my case, he divorced me and married his lover. I am glad they found love, though neither was saved. They stayed together 30 years, until he died. But what is it to satisfy a lust, to declare one’s worldly love to and with another worldling, but forfeit your soul? I do not believe he ever repented and was saved. If not, he is paying for his adultery and divorce for all eternity. I am so grief stricken over that. Was 30 years of happiness worth it compared to an eternity of punishment for defying God?
It’s a mess and a tragedy. Don’t cheat. It’s awful.
Here is a resource for women:
Downloadable pdf- “False Messages: A Guide for the Godly Bride” by Aileen Challies
Here is a resource for men:
Blog with link to downloadable pdf- Sexual Detox
Book- The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective, by Stuart Scott and John MacArthur
Book- The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective, by Martha Peace
Sermon- The Relationship of Marriage, No. 762, by C.H. Spurgeon
Blog- Bible Reading in the Marriage of Charles and Susannah Spurgeon, By Ray Rhodes, Jr
Book- Marriage to A Difficult Man: The Uncommon Union of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards, by Elisabeth Dodds
By Elizabeth Prata
Sensitive subject, right? Not just the sex topic, but marriage too. In the 14 years I’ve kept this blog and 6000 or so essays, I have not talked about marriage or sex.
Firstly as a woman with no children, I don’t have anything to say to moms except what the Bible says. I cannot share any experience nor give advice on that topic because I lack practical experience. I share what the Bible says, verses, but not able to commune via experience.
As for the topic of the marital bed, it’s a legitimate topic and so is celibacy, but I am careful about what I discuss online.
But it’s mother’s day coming up, and it’s wedding season, so I thought that I might be share some (hopefully) wisdom on those 2 topics. And resources. My aim is always to consult the Bible first, and then to point to solidly credible resources for women to peruse.
My parents’ marriage was not a good one. My father is passed away now but my mother is coming up on 86 years old. Let’s just say that I was perpetually scared and never felt secure. Love was in short supply. Divorce happened when I was 14.
I grew up in a time of the 1960s and 1970s when things were turning upside down. The sexual revolution was rampant and open marriage was the thing and feminism took hold. I cannot relate to you the extreme turbulence of that time. In the end, I rejected it all, and I decided I wanted to be married and have a traditional life with a man, a college degree, have a house, career, security and love. Who doesn’t want that? Love.
So when I went to college, I fell for the first guy that came along. Fathers, that is what happens when you are unavailable to them in their formative years. A warning. We moved in together when I was a sophomore, and married after we graduated. Sadly, we weren’t really suited to one another, but I wanted to give it a go. He didn’t. Four years after we married, he found another woman, had an affair, and left me pretty quickly. By quickly, I mean there was no long-drawn-out petering away with tears and fights and ‘trying’ . He was there one day. The next he was gone.
Divorce is a violent act. It is two made into one flesh, being ripped apart. People speak of the horror of abortion, tearing the baby limb from limb. Divorce is similar. A violent ripping away of flesh you had cleaved to. Make no mistake.
I had an idol of marriage but no clue about marriage. I was not saved, which made it worse. The fools who think they have wisdom… Ladies, advice: Marriage is HARD. It’s two sinners coming together and mutually submitting. Our flesh does not want to do that, so it’s a battle. Genesis 3’s curse on men and women in marriage makes it even harder. Men will want to dominate their dominating wives. That, or become passive like Adam. Stick to the Bible’s guidelines for marriage, it is the only way to succeed in the longest-term, most pointed sanctification project on earth.
Having been saved now, I understand why the Bible’s many warnings and commands about adultery. Violating the marital bed is one of the worst things any human can do to another. It’s terrible. Porn is a violation of it. Lusting after another is a violation of it. And of course, adultery is a violation of it.
Many churches idolize marriage to the point of insinuation that there is something wrong with a woman who isn’t married. And childless? Oh my, a grieving topic for those who want but can’t.
Marriage is a norm for most of Christ’s people. He did give the command to be fruitful and multiply. (Genesis 1:28). But marriage is not given to all people. (1 Corinthians 7:7–9). And after all, we are single for major portions of our lives. Being single is not a punishment, even if it a lifetime arrangement.
Elisabeth Elliot married Jim at age 27, which was late for a woman in 1953. She was married only 3 years then Jim was martyred in Ecuador. She remained single for ten years. Then married again. Her 2nd husband died and she was single again for some years before marrying a 3rd time.
God sometimes reserves singles for a particular purpose (John the Baptist, Jeremiah, the 144,000 virgins of the Tribulation…) And in our times He might reserve singleness as a gift, protecting them from something of which they do not know. Or so they can focus totally on a task He has in mind. Whether married or single, we serve the Lord. That is the chief end of man, to glorify the Lord (in obedient service) and enjoy Him forever.
I had made an idol of marriage but deep down I knew, just knew, it was wrong man, wrong time, just wrong. But I wasn’t saved and I wanted what I wanted. Rebels gonna rebel. I wanted a man, marriage, and the marital bed inside a marriage. (I didn’t think it seemly to have promiscuous sex all over the place, that seemed wrong, just one husband, thank you).
But if they do not have self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:9).
I was saved a couple of decades later and then I knew God’s will for my life. I understood things. I am to remain single. I sort of knew that all along. Finally I was content with that, though. I am not really suited for long-term relationships. I have a hard time in relationships anyway. But I did ask the Lord to remove the burning, and He did. I am celibate, single, content. If He wants you to be, He makes it OK in your heart.
Theologian John Stott remained single and celibate his entire life. He said,
“The gift of singleness is more a vocation than an empowerment, although to be sure God is faithful in supporting those he calls.“
As for marrieds, and the marital bed, I found a wonderful resource from Aileen Challies, Tim Challies’ wife. It is called “False Messages: A Guide for the Godly Bride”. It’s a 21-page booklet online and it’s FREE.
https://www.challies.com/wp-content/uploads/false-messages.pdf
Aileen Challies writes about “Sex”, “Desire”, “Unequal Desire,” “The Heart of Rejection”, and more. She writes graciously, biblically, and plainly.
For example:
The purpose of sex, then, is to provide a unique means through which a husband and wife can know one another, serve one another, express vulnerability before one another, give and receive. No other area in marriage offers so much to gain and so much to lose. No other area in marriage so closely grafts the couple together.
I agree. It’s true. And it’s one reason why adultery (and lusting for others and porn etc) are so devastating. Sex is remarkably powerful. It is incredibly intimate. It is why God gave us strict instructions and boundaries about it. Sex is good between a married man and woman, but also good are God’s instructions and limits about it.
As the husband leads, the wife is called by God to submit to her husband’s leadership even in the marriage bed. As in other areas of life, she is called to defy leadership only if her husband demands of her something that would violate her conscience or God’s law. We can see this as a responsibility of the wife but we must also see it as a particular responsibility of the husband. He is to lead in such a way that his wife will have no reason to refuse him. ~Aileen Challies
This is something that newly married couple must find their own way on, mutually. Communication is key. You might be shy at first talking about these things, whether the activity is satisfying to you or if it isn’t. It’s easier sometimes to avoid discussion. But communication in marriage is important and so, it is important on this subject too. Not everything will be perfect right at first, but that is the fun of coalescing as you forge a unified pairing as husband and wife.
He must seek to be sensitive to her needs, to her desires. He must acknowledge the times where, for one reason or another, she might find it exceedingly difficult to give herself to him and must keep from cajoling her into acts that would make her uncomfortable or leave her feeling violated. He needs to exemplify leadership as a servant even here in the bedroom. His first thoughts must be for her. ~Aileen Challies.
Yes, she speaks of the ideal. I pray it is that way for you whether it happens early in your marriage or later.
Marriage, conjugal activity, and singleness and celibacy are sensitive subjects, very sensitive. In my opinion, there is nothing more sacred than the marital bed. But sadly, there is a lot of bad advice out there. Because sex is so powerful, bad advice in this particular area of Christian life can have more harm, much more harm, than one might think. Be careful who you turn to for advice and which resources you absorb.
Please email or message me if you have further questions. I’d be glad to try and help or find a good resource for your question. Meanwhile here are some GOOD resources:
Booklet, Aileen Challies, “False Messages: A Guide for the Godly Bride”.
Ligonier: The Puritan’s View of Sex in Marriage
Got Questions essay: What does it mean that it is better to marry than to burn in 1 Corinthians 7:9?
Got Questions: Does the Bible teach that there is a gift of celibacy?
Ligonier: Conjugal rights in Marriage
Martyn Lloyd Jones: True Love: A Sermon on True Love from Ephesians 5:25-33
Book: Redeeming Singleness: How the Storyline of Scripture Affirms the Single Life by Barry Danylak
By Elizabeth Prata
I have a favorite set of sheets. They have a green flowery ivy type pattern on them. I don’t really care about how sheets look. I’m asleep when I lay on them so…I never really see them! What I do care about is how they feel. These are soft and slightly silky. (No they’re not silk). Because they slide a tiny bit, it’s easier to turn over on them.
I just like these sheets a lot. I have other sets, and I put one of them on when I strip the bed and wash these faves of mine, but I can’t wait till the next week when I put these green ivy ones back on the bed again.
I got those sheets in 1979.
I was 18, a freshman in college. I was unsaved. Not a Christian. I’d lived in the dorm for the first semester. It was an off-campus dorm due to overcrowding on campus. Mixed in with us naïve newbies were returning students. Students who had flunked out, been in the Navy, worked a year or two before going to college. So a lot of the students in the dorm with me were older, like by 2 or three years.
I’d met a guy in my dorm and after a while we decided to move in together to an apartment adjacent to campus. That was the new thing to do. The sexual revolution of the 1960s had taken root and one of the dark fruits it bore was that young people didn’t think they needed “a piece of paper” – AKA a marriage certificate. W just moved in and cohabitated. Marriage was so old fashioned, you know!
The guy’s mom was a staunch Catholic and she objected to the move-in. LOUDLY. She actually chased my boyfriend down the hall of their home when we broke the news. With a wooden spoon. She was furious, yelling, “You’re going to live in sin?!?!?
We thought she was hopelessly old fashioned. We were young. We were free. We’re all right. We ignored her.
And…because the boyfriend was her last kid, because he was the only boy, because he was her baby, she caved in and gave us some things for the apartment. The sheets were one of the items.
Now, this was 1979. The sheets were old then, at least 10 or 15 years. So let’s say they were produced in 1965. Now it’s 2023. I still have the sheets. These are the favorite sheets I mentioned. They are a bit threadbare in the middle, but still in good shape for 58 year old sheets.
Every time I make the bed with them I think about that scene about the mother yelling “You’re going to live in sin?!’ I didn’t know what sin was. He was raised Catholic (though he obviously didn’t practice), but I wasn’t raised anything and had never heard the word sin, let alone know what it meant. But one of the things I think about is the fact that God is perfectly justified to punish sinners in the eternal fires of hell. Us living together (and engaging in the usual sexual activity as if we were married) IS a sin. It is called fornication, and the Bible condemns in the strongest terms. Many verses warn that fornicators will not inherit the kingdom. (AKA go to heaven).
And that is just a few. And only the New Testament. There are just as many in the Old Testament warning people to remain chaste.
We got married. Deep down I suppressed the niggles of my conscience for living together (in those days, such a new moral convention!) by telling myself it was OK because we intended to get married. The sex before marriage part was covered under the umbrella of pre-marriage. (I’d made up a new moral convention, see how sin works! See how we suppress the truth in unrighteousness?) And we did get married after we graduated from college.
Not only sexual immorality is a sin, but treating marriage as of no account is also a sin. Inevitably when people cohabitate without benefit of having taken the solemn vows of marriage, their casual treatment of marriage can often result in divorce. Unbiblical divorce is also a sin.
We were young. We were free. We weren’t all right. After 4 few years he found someone else, had an affair, and left me flat for this new woman.
In Richard Adams’ novel Watership Down, where anthropomorphized rabbits are the main characters, the rabbits have a proverb, “One cloud feels lonely”. I find this a true proverb, lol. When you see one cloud, soon there are more and the sky becomes overcast.
I often change that fictional proverb in my mind to this: ‘One sin feels lonely’. One sin never really is performed in isolation. If a person is an adulterer, he or she is lusting, being an adulterer, and lying- not to mention being a hypocrite. No one is “sent to hell” to endure a forever stretch of time in punishment because of ‘one little sin.’ All sins are big and there is always more than one. They are an affront to a holy God, who is just and right to punish them.
I look back on my time before salvation and I gasp with incredulity that a holy God put up with so much sinning in me. I’m grateful for my salvation and now have a right mind about marriage even though I’m still single. Marriage is more than ‘just a piece of paper’. Fornication is a sin. I still have the sheets, but not the marriage.
But that is what happens when people distill what is a holy union before God and making a lifetime commitment before Him, to just a piece of paper that can be ignored. Because what we were really doing was ignoring God in that piece of paper. He instituted the convention of marriage and structured it so the man is the head, the woman is the helper and the children obey both.
He said to her, Go, call your husband and come back here.” The woman answered and said, “I have no husband. Jesus said to her, You have correctly said, ‘I have no husband’; for you had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband; this you have said truly.” (John 4:16-18 LSB)
Ladies, living together isn’t a new immoral situation any more. It rarely causes an eyebrow lift. It certainly doesn’t usually cause mothers to run down the hallway with a wooden spoon to bat some sense into their son. It is seen every day on TV and in movies and all around the world people are doing it. But it’s wrong. Sex before marriage is wrong. It’s called fornication. That sounds like an old-fashioned word but trust me, no, trust the Bible, it’s still a sin. And Chastity is still a virtue.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; (1 Thessalonians 4:3)
By Elizabeth Prata
From the Center for Christ and Culture, we read from the article published in 2006, “Why is Marriage Important?“
“Marriage is far more profound than our contemporary culture would lead us to believe. It is a life-long commitment that restrains self-centeredness, self-indulgence and self-gratification. It is the one relationship that effectively prepares and conditions us for community. By restraining self-centeredness and promoting love of another, marriage becomes the foundation for social order. When this commitment labeled “marriage” is reduced to nothing more than a mere contract between two consenting persons, or worse just another option, it ceases to restrain our self-centered passions. Self-centeredness harms not only that relationship but also others as well until it spreads throughout society like ripples in a pond. Abandoning the “others before self” concept of marriage for the self-serving concept of contractual relationships between autonomous individuals makes us increasingly narcissistic, ultimately leading toward moral and social collapse. Across America the institution of marriage is being assailed, reduced to nothing more than a sentimental ceremony between consenting adults, radically redefined, or simply abandoned altogether.”
Yup. All that abandonment is contained in the article we read above and what we see enacted every day.
In the distant past, we were given biblical verses about how the world would be in the far future. There are specific prophecies about the coming perilous times, and there is no doubt we are living in those perilous times now. Conditions that we see all around us that did not exist at all or didn’t exist to the degree we see them today, such as the blatant and constant pressure to dispense with traditional marriage, are all around us. This disposal is a tragic and irreversible mistake.
That satanic urge to dispose of marriage the way God intended does not come only from the homosexual agenda but from all quarters, as we saw above. Once the foundational block of society is done away with then all else can crumble. Is this not happening now? Of course it is. The excessive narcissism that homosexual or triadic or polygamous or adulterous marriage definitions promote lead inevitably to societal collapse. And thus, society is collapsing. Paul wrote of the conditions we were to expect in the last days, and the last days are the time between Jesus’ ascension and His return.
“Godlessness in the Last Days”
1But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5)
You notice the last part of verse 5 says “having an appearance of godliness”. The people perpetrating the perilous acts will be people who seem good, having a godly appearance, pious and sincere. Yet they will be in the inside, brutal, selfish, without-self control. Even people claiming to be within Christendom are muting the boundaries of the biblical standards for marriage.
The article about marriage I linked to above concludes:
“Marriage is simply the highest of all human relationships and therefore must never be entered into lightly. It is the means of procreating humanity, nurturing and training subsequent generations, producing social order and for the Christian, the best means for perpetuating the Gospel. … If marriage is allowed to die in America as it is in other Western nations our posterity will inherit a godless culture.”
I maintain that this generation is a strong candidate as the inheritor of the godless culture. The constant barrage of marriage redefinitions (among other horrifying conditions) hath wrought godlessness in the last days. The only good news to this statement is that as the culture becomes ever more like it was in the Days of Noah and the Days of Lot it means the Day of the Lord is even closer. We draw closer with each passing day. But for the sinner, The Day of the LORD is near, said Zephaniah! Consider his words, ye sinners!
The great day of the Lord is near,
near and hastening fast;
the sound of the day of the Lord is bitter;
the mighty man cries aloud there.
A day of wrath is that day,
a day of distress and anguish,
a day of ruin and devastation,
a day of darkness and gloom,
a day of clouds and thick darkness,
a day of trumpet blast and battle cry
against the fortified cities
and against the lofty battlements.
I will bring distress on mankind,
so that they shall walk like the blind,
because they have sinned against the Lord;
their blood shall be poured out like dust,
and their flesh like dung.
Neither their silver nor their gold
shall be able to deliver them
on the day of the wrath of the Lord.
In the fire of his jealousy,
all the earth shall be consumed;
for a full and sudden end
he will make of all the inhabitants of the earth.
(Zephaniah 1:14-18)
By Elizabeth Prata
Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work, denial of self, service to the spouse, and submission. (Ephesians 5:22-23; 1 Corinthians 13:7, Having Jesus at the center is necessary for success and even then, some marriages between professing partners still fail. Without Christ, I am not sure how any marriage survives! You take two sinners and put them together as one flesh, and each must submit to the other and … well, without Christ the entire endeavor is harder than salmon swimming upstream. We swim against our sin which is hard enough, and then cover the spouse’s sin (1 Peter 4:8; Proverbs 17:9). We need Jesus in marriage, He is our All in All.
Continue reading “God can save your marriage!”By Elizabeth Prata
I wasn’t saved until I was 42. Before that, I’d been married. I remember what it was like to complain about my spouse. It was the norm. It was a usual thing to gripe about him, to nitpick every fault and failure and deficit to my friends when we got together. We didn’t have the internet then, but we did complain about our spouses in public, even TO our spouses in public. All in good fun, we said. Just joshing.
Sure. Sure it was. What it actually was, was marital wars. It was putting salt on the jabs and pokes and little bitter wounds that pile up. It was a normal thing. Doing that meant we were trying to get an advantage in our constant undercurrent of passive-aggressive battle that unsaved marriages often are.
The unsaved’s marriage is a war, as Genesis 3:16 says the woman will constantly try to usurp her husband. In turn, the husband has to constantly suppress his wife. There is no common ground, as there is in a Christian marriage, the common ground being Jesus.
The Christian marriage is in fact a societal foundation block of intertwined flesh of two made one. It is a pair, united in purpose and walking together. Big difference from the ego-maniacal wars of the unsaved marriage.
When we are saved, we realize our utter depravity, our utter lostness before God, and our helpless estate. We need Jesus every moment to do what is right, and that includes loving our spouses well.
After salvation, I was not married any more but I watched Christian married couples closely. They loved each other. Their devotion seemed real and deep. They praised each other, lifted each other up, and spoke well of him or her.
This kind of behavior and their kind words about each other was startling in how much it contrasted with the darkness of non-Christian talk about spouses. It was like a warm glow of a candlelit table, comfortable and inviting, rather than the hot pricks and barbs of usual conversations about our spouse.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear.“
I would like to reiterate what Dr. Strachan said in the tweet screen shot above. It IS radical to speak well of one’s spouse (or of anyone!) I don’t know if long-time Christians know HOW radical it is. Wholesome and uplifting speech about your wife or husband is countercultural and stands out like a lighthouse beacon on a stormy night.
The good news is that if you have fallen into the trap of downgrading your spouse in public in speech or gestures, you can repent to Jesus and He will forgive. The Holy Spirit is our very present help to aid us in resisting that kind of speech.
If you have been uplifting your spouse in conversation to others, then please know how such talk stands out in the swirl of talk by the unsaved that usually consists of complaints, gossip, and pettiness. Such speech stands out like warm rain on a sunny day.
the-end-time.org 